Broken Wind Chimes
by Starlight Dream Weaver
Summary: The mysteries of life and why you do the things you do....


Authors notes: I said I was going to give up writing fanfiction because I was annoyed and bored with recent events on ER.  
  
Well I'm still annoyed and bored, but so much so that I'm writing fan fiction again to try and save my sanity. It's a bit short, but it gets to the point.  
  
Spoilers: Not really... Season 9 I guess, but kinda AU season 9 because in this she's alone....  
  
Genre: Angst/drama  
  
Disclaimer: I still don't have anything to do with ER, I'm just using their wonderful characters to entertain myself and others.  
  
Dedication: To those who know what I mean and to those wanting the same.  
  
Broken Wind Chimes  
  
Sometimes she could tell what kind of day it was going to be. From her the safety of her bed, she could her the wind chimes on the porch singing in the wind, dancing their dance in the air and she could tell if their song was one of good luck or the day would be something else entirely.  
  
This morning as she lay in her bed, all that could be heard was silence. The eerie silence that she was so familiar with, it was almost frightening.  
  
No one lay by her side and no one was waiting to return to her side, in all truth, no one was wanting to be by her side.  
  
A cold chill had taken up residence on her left side where someone should have been lying, a cold chill that reminded her of the cold chill that had resided in her heart for so long she wondered if anything could thaw it.  
  
Taking all mental and physical strength she had left, she willed herself to leave the comfort of her bed and rise to greet the day ahead of her. Something she was never happy about doing and today was no exception. Dragging herself to the bathroom, she stared at the reflection that taunted her in the mirror.  
  
"Morning failure"  
  
Staring for a few moments at herself, she opened the mirrored cabinet and pulled out a selection of various prescribed drugs, anti-depressants, pain killers and anything else that made the day somewhat more bearable, swallowing them with a gulp of water, she wondered of one day they would be her downfall instead of her saviour.  
  
++  
  
++  
  
She was greeted by an empty vodka bottle in her living room, something which she ignored. Before she would have picked it up and thrown away, hidden the evidence that she had enjoyed herself the night before in a drunken haze, but she simply didn't care.  
  
For some reason the want just wasn't there anymore. The need to be the best she could be.  
  
All that was left was a shadow of a shining star. And a want to be able to get through the day without breaking down completely.  
  
Grabbing her car keys off the hall table, she ignored breakfast for the 5 day in a row and left the safety of her town house to greet the day which the wind chimes told her would be the same silence as before. Nothing special, nothing different.  
  
++  
  
++  
  
She could remember the days when she would hold her breath as she walked through the ambulance bay, in anticipation of what awaited her inside.  
  
The rainbow of patients and staff crisis that were her life.  
  
Today she didn't bother. She walked into the ER not caring, not noticing.  
  
Carter waved and yelled a good morning in her direction, she didn't even hear or see him as she entered the lounge, her brain was instead telling her that he wasn't saying hello to her, he was saying hello to who she was.  
  
He didn't care. No one cared. She was alone, now more than ever before. Opening her locker she wished that photos of a happy family greeted her, that there was a smiling partner, a smiling daughter or son, maybe even a dog greeting her. Instead a mirror greeted her. Ignoring the pale, drawn person that stared back at her, she closed the door quickly, turning and leaving the lounge before her brain could start shouting more insults in her direction.  
  
++  
  
++  
  
No one was really entirely sure what happened.  
  
One minute the trauma room was full of doctors and nurses trying to treat a victim of a shooting and the next minute there was a loud bang that echoed through the ER halls. She wasn't sure why she did what she, may be because she was so unhappy or may be some thing else, but as she threw Carter aside and fell to the floor, all she could think was "Those wind chimes must be broken".  
  
++  
  
++  
  
The wind chimes definitely hadn't predicted this, the insane chaos that reigned supreme in a situation so frightening that you distance yourself from anything partially similar.  
  
You never want it to one of your own lying on the gurney and you never want to be the one shocking their heart and willing them back into life.  
  
But that's what they were doing.  
  
The monitor continued to flatline.  
  
She was dead.  
  
Whispers around the room at outside reported that she had thrown herself in front of Carter and taken a bullet for him.  
  
They had always said lived for her job. And now she died for her job. And no one could argue she was a committed boss. Who else would take a bullet for her staff?  
  
Sure it was a dumb ass stunt to pull, she must have known that she wouldn't come away with a scratch.  
  
No one knew the real reason Kerry Weaver threw herself in the firing line for Carter, she didn't even know herself.  
  
As she stood watching herself dying, Carter pounding on her chest, people standing around in disbelief, she wanted to tell them to go back to work, to stop gawping, it was all over now, why waste anymore time on a lost soul, go help the ones who really need it. That's all she had ever wanted. She knew she was a lost soul, a helpless case from the second she knew that she would never be able to walk without a crutch.  
  
She didn't have it now though. She didn't have much now.  
  
All she could do was follow Carter around and see what she gave him by dying herself.  
  
++  
  
++  
  
Guilt followed Carter. Why the hell had Kerry done that?  
  
He couldn't understand. All he knew was that he had cheated death so many times and yet he longed for it.  
  
Why had Kerry done that? It didn't make any sense.  
  
He couldn't exactly claim that they were close in anyway. They had lived together but Kerry had kept her distance. He would liked to have called her a friend but he never really treated her like one. He never really gave her the respect or praise she deserved, but rarely did anyone get what they deserved.  
  
He definitely knew Kerry didn't deserve to die. Yet she had.  
  
She was lying on the gurney, staring back at him with empty eyes, covered in blood.  
  
He hated the fact that he was covered in her blood.  
  
Carter had sat on the floor cradling Kerry until they could move her, he had watched her lips move in a silent prayer and silent wish, he had felt the life drain away from her. Tears had fallen from his eyes and continued to as he tried to revive her and after, he wasn't ashamed and he didn't care and he couldn't stop the tears. He could sware he had seen her so many times stood in the lounge, at her graveside, in his room after she died. He probably did.  
  
Life was a mystery.  
  
Kerry's life was definitely a mystery and no one would ever find out the secrets that tore her heart.  
  
++  
  
++  
  
Bet you thought it was Abby.... 


End file.
